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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
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so yeah. theres so much drama. its so gay.
im gonna stay single for a lil while. i'm sick of stupid boys.
and slutty girls.
and ppl who talk shit.
the last 2 can kiss my fkkin ass cause i don't fucking care anymore.
FUCK YOU!
that is all.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 3rd, 2005
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i'm fkkin bored as shit right now.. sitting in journalism class. i'm done my work and supposedly myspace doesn't work on here so i'm not even going to try. i feel like mi body is like falling apart. lol. i woke up this morning with this major pain in my eye. its weird as shit. i feel like i got the shit kicked outta me while i was sleeping. haha
later.
<3 ash
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Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
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i'm sick of everything. i mean theres like what.. one or two good things in my life now? its like fuck it cus i dont care anymore. its like if u don't give a fuck about me, why should i give a fuck about you?
...yeah. i'm a bit pissed and theres no one to talk to (dave ur awesome but u dont talk alot on AIM lol)...
im seriously debating on locking myself up in my room and just saying fuck it. if only a part of me wasnt so happy, i could do that, but the pissed off side hasn't completely taken over yet. but theres this certain thing, this certain someone, that makes me happy right now. i love my friends to death, i really do, and i'd do anything for them, its just i dont know what i can do for them anymore.
i used to be so happy and what not... what the hell happened?
...im going to bed... maybe tomorrow will be better. going to go see corpse bride AGAIN with brie, donovan, and someone else, uhhh joe? lol it'll be awesome. hopefully.
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Saturday, September 24th, 2005
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| Time: | 11:05 pm. |
| Mood: |  sad. |
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every time i find something that i've been looking for, it gets totally fucked up. whenever i think its forever, it always ends. so fuck it. fuck it all. im sick of it all. i'll just lock my fucking self up in my room and live my life alone. that way no one gets fucking hurt.
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Wednesday, September 7th, 2005
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i don't kno anymore. i love my friends more than anything, and i've become really really close with my cus mike lately. but i'm the third wheel with everyone. its not that they make me feel that way. i just do on my own. i mean steph has chris, brie has sean, mikes got his girl steph (and even if that doesnt work out he can get any girl in less than 2days). i don't have anything. i told brie last night that i felt like i didn't belong. i love them all more than anything, and i would die without them (because i'm not stable on my own), but i just feel like i'm always interrupting something when i'm around and its not how it used to be. i don't kno it feels different between me and my bffs than it felt in the begginning of the summer. maybe its just me over reacting like i always do. i don't kno. i do that pretty well. i think its the only thing i can do right. i took it to heart too many times when i got called a screwup and its in my mind now. maybe a part of me knows its not true, but everything i've ever cared for or loved or hoped for has always gotten ruined because of me. i don't kno. maybe its like what steph said a while ago, i'm going thru a phase, cus i wasnt like this before, and now i am so maybe its going to pass just as fast as it came. i don't kno.
..g2g.
..ashley
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Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
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i'm sick of... god i don't even kno what anymore. i hate that i can't do anything right and i always screw something up. maybe its just a phase, or maybe its who i've become. i don't know. all i know is that i am a mess right now. everything is just running together and i can barely cope with the one thing (last saturday).
my best friend, i kno she's joking around, but she keeps askin me if im going to go back to being friends with this girl that i can not stand at all anymore. for one just because i love my best friend that much i wouldn't go back and hang out with someone that i promised my best friend i would never (even if we stopped hanging out) go back to, and i don't break promises like that. plus i don't even want to talk to this girl. plus i made that promise in the rare occasion that we stopped hanging out, and i don't want that to happen.
blah. my ankle hurts so fucking bad, im going to lay down after i take asprin.
later.
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Saturday, August 27th, 2005
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im so bored. ive been listening to the same song over and over again. im going crazy. ive been like home since wednesday. except for the hr i went out wit brie n sean last night. i even pierced my ear cus i got soo bored. lol.. im planning on having at least 3 more piercings in my ears b4 mi 18th b-day.. then i'm going and getting my tounge or lip pierced on my birthday. lol ive got it all planned out. i've got alot on my mind again. it pisses me off cus i can never talk about it. i talk to mi cousin mike about it, but i just hate burdening people with the shit that goes on in my head.
im also mad at my cousin at this moment because 1) him and his girl broke up and he didn't tell me 2) he's down the camp ground right now and he was supposed to tell me the next time he was going down so i could chill wit him
pft! lol
<3 ashley
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Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
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yea.. i hate having so much on my mind during the AM cus i can never get to sleep. i stay up all night. yesterday i went to bed at 7am but i can't go to sleep then today. i've got to stay up. i'm going to see my poppop tomorrow. from what i heard he's doing alot better and i'm really glad. i was so afraid i was going to loose him, and i don't want him to go just yet.
i've been downloading oldies music all night. its amazing. i love it.
i'm yawning now.. but i'm not tired. hey look its 4:20am. ha. sad. anyway. i forget what i was going to write. psh
->later
<3 ashley
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Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
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| Time: | 4:12 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired. |
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...And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on...
i love that song. even before i knew fuel sung it. lol.
i couldn't sleep at all last night. i went to bed at like 7 am. lol. i was like randomly exercising at 5 am and shit. lol it was cool. i just had alot of stuff on my mind too. my brain hurted. lol. i talked to jim for the first time in a while last night. it was nice to have a conversation with him. :)
well im going to go. i forget what i was going to actually write
<3 ashley
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Monday, August 15th, 2005
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| Time: | 8:26 pm. |
| Mood: |  blah. |
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i just got off the fone wit mi cuz, mike. i talk to him about so much. i love that kid! but i was talking to him about a really good friend of mine and he just told me that i should tell that person how i feel. but i'm not sure if i can do that. i don't want my friend to get mad at me about anything i say. i don't want our friendship to get messed up by a few stupid words. I just feel that the vibe or whatever i get from my friend is different. thats somehow how my cousin worded it, but i'm not sure since he doesn't talk white (lol). i feel like i'm intruding on my friend's life, and i don't want to annoy that person or what not. if my friend wants some space, then i'll give it to them. i don't want anything to ruin our friendship, but i'm not really even sure whats wrong. my cus even says it seems like my friend is acting a bit different then they did when he saw them last. i don't kno. i don't want them to see this and get mad at me. i love my friend to death and i don't want anything to happen between us. i don't kno. mike says i should tell my friend but i don't want to. like i want to but i don't want anything to happen to our friendship.
blah...
-->ashley
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Thursday, August 11th, 2005
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| Time: | 2:40 pm. |
| Mood: | blah. |
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its been a while. i've been writing on my myspace blog thing but i just dont feel like writing on there anymore. i have more to talk about then i can on there.
summer has been amazing. besides the fact that my grandfather got really sick (but he's doing alot better thank god). i started hanging out with steph alot more which made summer awesome. me and brie hang out every once in a while but its still cool cause she isn't moving like we all thought she was.
having steph stay with me for a little while was awesome. i liked having her around alot. i was kinda sad that she moved back home but im glad everything is alright over there. maybe i wished she stayed a little longer because ever since she moved back home she seems like shes really iffy and irratated and she hasn't been the same person. pft. i don't kno. i still love her anyway. no matter what. cus i kno she knos i'm always here for her and i ain't going anywhere.
i aint going anywhere for any of my friends. i just want to be someone that my friends can rely on to be there when they need me to be. come to me with their problems and i try to help them if i can or just listen if i can't. i'm not the type of person to go around telling everyone other people's business.
well i'm going 2 go. later.
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ahh i love that song. even tho brie stole it from me for one of her and sean's songs before... its sooo my fav bon jovi song. ((you had me from hello)).
blah. i've been like thinkin and shit and listening to music doesn't help. i think i'm like.. ready for a relationship.. but watch.. i'll get one and i'll get scared and break up with them. thats what i did many times before. its like.. i want a relationship.. then i'm like 'oh but i like this person too... so what if??' you kno. i really don't have anyone that i'd like to have a relationship with either. i'm such a flirt.. i admit it.. but when i flirt i usually end up liking the person... and then nothing can happen.. its so crazy. it sucks actually. i ono. i'm so gay. why am i writing this? fuck it.
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ok so maybe sometimes i should learn the two sides of everything. but i still hate them. i just wish everything would go back to normal and everything was better. this is all so gay. you two were perfect and someone just had to fuck it up. and hearing that shit about who-ever trying to get u to hook up with some girl that liked you this weekend.. it seems like it was all a big scam. thats gay. so fuck that. you'll show them. they're idiots. show them that.
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reply and i'll tell you something i like about you. afterwards, SPREAD THE DISEASE by copying & pasting this into your own journal.
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blah. i thought having a friend that could drive would be fun... but yet lately i've found myself walking everywhere or getting my parents to drive me. what fun! seriously! i love it...not.
i'm sick of guys.. even if its not me getting hurt.. i'm sick of seeing my friends getting hurt. seriously. what the fuck is this shit. you know.. we went through this stupid choosing shit before when it wasn't even said... and you know what.. she would have chosen you over us. over her friends. now thats love. i don't see what your problem is. i thought you were strong and i thought you weren't a follower. i guess i was wrong cause it seems like you're following them. if they really cared about you, if they really were doing that for your best interest, then why were they making you choose between something like that? i don't know whats going on through your head but you need to get your priorities straight. i kno i didnt spell that right but i don't give a fuck. that girl is my damn sister. blood or not, i love her like a sister and even i would take a fucking bullet for her. you were supposed to be her boyfriend, you were supposed to love her. thats bullshit. i thought you were such a nice guy, but hearing my best friend cry, then i had to rethink everything. when her world falls apart, so does mine. she's a one in a million girl, and you lost that. your an idiot...
and to you, even though you'll prolly never see this. your a fucking bitch. your supposed to be two of his friends and whats this? making him choose between an asshole and his slut sister and the love of his life? fuck you. i hope i never see you cause i want to kill you. i don't give two shits if i'm not strong... when it comes to my friends i'll do anything for them. i want to and i will kill you. don't ever come the fuck around here. fuck you. fuck you two mother fucking bitches. i hate you more than i hate anything in the world because if it wasn't for you i wouldn't have to listen to my best friend cry and i wouldn't have to try everything in the world to make her feel better. in the year that i've known her she's gone through so much. you don't know shit about her or her life. you think you know and you have no idea. i hope u burn and rot in hell.
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ah ok so casey didnt beg. but lol. anyway. i spent saturday and sunday in philly babysitting. omg. my little cousin.. she does this weird as growling thing and it sounds like a demonic thing or something... my grandmom turned around and was like 'does anyone have the number for the exorcist?' lol.
theres so much crap going on this weekend and its all so crazy. i wasnt even there but damn. maybe it would have been alot better if i was. brie wouldnt have done anything stupid on friday and i wouldnt have to hear about what happened saturday and this whole big controversy. lol well at least had a bit of fun at the party. :( i wanted to go! why did it have to get switched from last weekend? lol. ah well i have to go. not really.. i just don't feel like writing anymore :-p... laterz
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Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
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its been a while... hasnt it? ahh my neck hurts like a bitch.. it hurts less than earlier. but it still hurtttts! this weekend was fun. friday it was just me, sam, and andrew. we went to the mall but we never got there until like 9:10-9:30. it was still fun. we went to the pool hall for a little bit too. saturday it was me, sam, brie, and andrew.. that was fun too. we ended up going up to the pool hall and everything just to basically drive around. it was cool. sunday we went to steph's house :) it was cool. monday we went to stephs house again.. me, sam, and andrew. it was hilarious. i love it over there. chris was so funny after he got drunk, hahaha!! lol. now today i just slept and im so damn tired still. we had a half day and i passed out. i gotta get in the shower. i wanted to get one earlier but i never got a chance to since i fell asleep. lol. ok well im waiting for my friend to finish sending me something and then getting in the shower... later!
<3 ashley
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ah. i like that song. hehe 'mr brightside'. i relate to it very very well. heh. anyway. so far this weekend was the usual. well today wasn't really usual. ah. shush. lol. anyway. we went to the mall friday ((thats the usual)) and for a lil while it was me, brittnie, and brie, and then we met up with sam & andrew & tom.. then we met up with kyle & ashley ((they were there for literally all of 20 minutes lol)).. but it was fun. after those two left we headed over to hotshots where we met up with kat & chin and shit. it was kinda boring from there but yea.. it was alright... oh yea.. earlier friday me and brittnie walked over to casey's where i got shot with a paintball gun by kyle. i didn't think it would hit me from across the street.. but that shit hurt even from that distance. lol. i hate guns up close ((reason why i was freaking out)) then i don't care when i'm far away. i just don't see why he wanted to hurt me ((because i kicked you ONCE was not a good reason!!)). ah. anyway. 2day i was supposed to go to my g-moms but we ended up not going over and i didn't wake up til about one. lol i'm lazy. i called sam up and her and andrew picked me up about 3-4 and we went to her sister's house for a little bit to see steph's new puppy, then went back to sam's to watch a movie ((which i didn't get to see the end of.. dammit)) and now i'm here. lol. sam tells me if they get the car tomorrow she'll be over to come steal me. lol.
Aww! ohhh yeah. brittnie has a new bf and its too cute! hehe. ((btw gurlie.. what the hell is up with the j's and the 3 letters long names? hahaha! love you))
ah well. bed time.. LaTeRz
<3 ashley
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Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
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eh i've lost my touch. i can't write poetry anymore. its so gay. lol the last good thing i wrote was:
should i take the easy way out
or tough it out on the long road
it seems so much easier
i don't know what to choose
i'm going crazy
i don't understand why
you don't know what you do to me
cause i don't even know anymore
look around us at this mess we've made
how are we ever going to clean this up?
i think i'll be taking the easy way out
just this one time is all I'll ever need.
i'm sorry if in the end i hurt you
i'm sorry that i've hurt myself
i'm sorry that i didn't know what i was doing
i'm sorry that i have to see you cry.
i think i took the easy way out
i wasn't strong enough for the long road
it seems like i took the easy way out
it just seemed so much easier...
eh. that wasn't even that good.. but its alot better than this shit i wrote tonight...:
i'm sick and tired of living in lies,
i'm sick and tired of my eyes that cry,
i'm just sick of everything that goes on in life
what's the meaning of this unbearable life?
is it really what's wrong with me?
there's too much pain in the way and i can't see
clearly at all, its too blurry,
but its of you that i worry
but i've realized instead, something is wrong with me
maybe i'm just sick, yeah, that's it... but just let me be
alone for a while, cause i'll be alright
maybe i'll get better, it just won't happen tonight.
that's gayer. grrr.. someone piss me off.. or make me depressed or something. i used to write alot when i was scared, or angry, or just really really depressed. heh. yeah. me. depressed. its gay, cause i never stay that way for long... i think the longest was like a few weeks - a month, but its frequent. not as much lately tho. i noticed today... 1) i'm loosing my hearing 2)its affecting my balance. I was walking today and at first i prolly wouldn't be able to walk a straight line, and then everything got black for a few seconds/i got dizzy, then i was fine. it was weird.
now i feel old.. cause i feel like i'm getting hot-flashes. lol. i'm such a douche. in kat's words.. i have down syndrome. lol. heh friday.. my dad wants me to go to a hockey game friday, but i was thinking bout going over casey's for a little bit, then mallin it or something... haha i'll have chin pick me up from casey's. lol. yea ok. mayb i will go to the hockey game... ne1 wanna go to a hockey game?? lol. grr i just remembered brie is supposed to go to her grandpop's this weekend. once again a weekend without mi love. ((haha no offence brie, but i seriously need to find a guy)) OMG! CASEY! that was hilarious today what u said in gym class. then i couldn't remember it word 4 word when i was trying to repeat it so i was like 'so u basically just told me to hit that' lmao. when u said something about him being too hott to be single or w.e. that was funny. ha i wish. but nah. lol.
ok this is getting long.. i still have to read. im not even done the part of the book i took a test on earlier. lol. later
<3 ash
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so yea. like i said.. chin got the book. i'm sure kyle will be gettin it someday soon. lol. ready for this??
ahaha. its Wednesday :-p. i still can't spell that word nor can i find it anywhere.. managetoi? nah it ends in an 'a' supposedly... heh i want to kno. lmao i can't believe u remembered. that's so hilarious. lol i'm down :-p. its a friendly thing. lol.
oh man. im bored... how long is makeup gym? brie is supposed to come over afterwards. heh. interesting. lol. i'll get her to do my hair again.. that means i need to go get a shower. OOOK. shower time!! woo
later
<3 ash
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r_u_my_stalker's journal
pissed off.
hyper.
ecstatic.
scared.